How many roles do each of us play just within a span of 24 hours?
I’m the good daughter.
the loving girlfriend.
the person with secret and shameful desires.
crazy lunatic around the bestfriend.
the defiant young adult.
shy and timid person around new people.
then i’m here, alone, just kind of like, wtf.
Who the hell am I?
I just wrote a song about reaching. Reaching towards what you want and away from what you’re afraid of.
And the negative form of reaching. Like when you think you’re pretty but feel like you’re reaching. Like “oh, my eyes are really pretty…so is my hair…” and that voice in the back of your head is like “girl, you’re reaching.” I guess that might not make sense to people. I guess I mean that you’re reaching by pretending that something is good even though everything is kinda bad. You’re reaching…for some optimism? IDK.
Sometimes it feels like I’m reaching towards nothing. There’s something I really wish I could do this week, but I know I won’t grow a pair and do it.
Then I remember that Lance Bass (maybe) saw something in me once. And then I don’t feel like I’m reaching so much anymore.
And then I remember that I am.
The struggle is real.
Have you ever gone back a read something you wrote a while back?
First, let me say this. Tumblr has always been the place I go to vent about boyfriends and best friends, all save for one who has a tumblr and who I adore (talkin to you Blair). Anyways, tonight I went back on my profile and looked at all my posts. I’m also a liker and not a reblogger because for some reason I’m super dumb and feel weird reblogging a lot of things in one sitting, I know how strange that sounds, leave me alone.
My point is that tumblr has always been my healthy outlet. Remember that Cosby episode where the mom is told to write a letter to the person she’s mad at and then not send it? Because writing the letter was enough to get all the anger out so she could move on?
That’s what tumblr is for me.
Except during exam time. Exam time is a time for me to use tumblr as a procrastination station in order to obsess over Jennifer Lawrence and cry because Joshifer is not real.
I went back and read all of my posts because they’re basically like diary entries from many different points in my life. I always thought I was a loser. I always thought that I was immature and would grow up and eventually get a better grasp of reality. I also always thought I was clueless. Now that I’m a little older, my thought process has evolved into thinking that I am mature and that I do have a hold on things and that I understand things way better than I used to.
Reading my “diary entries” really spelled that out for me.
I used to be so passionate about things. About love and fiction and writing and movies and mostly music. Not just any music. But music that gave you chills and made you close your eyes because of that one drum solo. The music that you squished your headphones into your ears as much as they would go because you wish you were there when the song was written and recorded. I used to be passionate about making that kind of music. Could hear every bit of music in my own head.
Now. Being passionate about life has it’s faults. Mostly because you really feel the highs but you drown yourself in the lows as well. And I think the lows took over for a while when I got into a serious relationship and it wasn’t so great for a while. Then I grew a shell and I stayed in it. Now I’ve lost the passion for life and everything I think I know, I don’t really know anything about. I’m not mature. In fact, I don’t even want to be all that mature. Childhood was the bees knees. I’d like to stick around in fact.
This rant has turned into so many things it wasn’t supposed to be.
That’s another thing. I used to write with purpose, now i’m too scatterbrained to get a point across. My writing had personality and now it’s just writing that a random person is doing because they’re generally unhappy at the moment. I’m a ranter now. Not someone who gives beautiful descriptions of interesting events.
GOSH DARNIT I DID IT AGIAN. OFF TOPICNESS. I digress. Obviously.
I guess we’ll just throw this in with my other diary entries.
damn. I won’t remember this in a week, but in a year when I find myself longing for my old state of mind back, i’ll come right back here and read this with the same interest and longing that I had tonight.
BOYS SUCK, LOVE BLOWS, AND THE REST OF THE WORLD SWALLOWS is actually something that I wrote in my second post ever on tumblr and I really love that. A lot. Because it’s true, and it has all of the elements of a blowjob all in one sentence. And it includes boys, love, and every other buttmunch on the earth.
Oh me?? Oh, i’m just writing down the names of the strangers who have helped me so that if i ever actually DO make it somewhere, i know exactly who to thank. Thank You future strangers.
My best friend sings really well… and writes. Check it out & leave feedback! One comment goes a long way!
Thanks blair :)
For about half a second there I had an actual reason to want things again. I told myself it was okay to get excited for something, for once…That was probably it. That was what made everything fall apart I guess. Oh well. There’s always NEVER BECAUSE THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Why does it make me SO MAD that some dipshit tried to steal all of my stuff out of my pocket last night? Did you think I was too stupid to notice your entire HAND INSIDE BOTH OF MY POCKETS? Really?! Nobody is THAT aggressive in a Conga Line! C’mon man! Get a freakin’ job and stop stealing from people.
Long story short, I got my stuff back! But it still makes me SO MAD that someone saw me and thought that I’d be an easy target. That really pisses me off. Well guess what?! Guess again stupid.
I don’t want to write this because I always come to tumblr and vent when i’m feeling sad.
I am way too emotionally invested in my favorite college basketball team. It’s really an issue. They lose - my day is ruined.
It really pisses me off.
Well. We lost tonight. And of course, my boyfriend of a year and a half and i broke up this week. And I’ve been dealing with it like a boss. But sometimes it’s just that one little thing that falls on you at the wrong moment, when the lights are down and you’re alone, that it’s just gonna screw you over royally.
our loss was what has screwed me over.
Relationships suck. « haha well I guess it’s good i’m not in one anymore then :P
hey, at least i can still laugh at myself.
I hate it when i watch a great movie and then other movies are ruined for me. Quality in anything is SO hard to find these days. Especially in art such as music, movies, etc. BOO. I saw this quote the other day about how when more people are willing to question everything, our world will become more intelligent. Good quote.
I WONDER HOW WEIRD I SOUND TO OTHER RANDOM PEOPLE THAT DON’T KNOW ME.
I should start writing more.
Oh, Dad. Just sat and listened to my father tell me about the 20 lottery tickets he’s about to buy. Wants to win so he can finally retire from the fire department. I know that I’m not the most religions person…but the hope i heard in his voice really made me wanna pray. I know that’s not something you’re supposed to pray for, you’re supposed to pray for health and the happiness and others and stuff, but if there was ever someone who deserves a break, it’s my dad. So God, if you have a tumblr, please please please please help a sister help her dad out. It’s silly, i know…but after all that’s he’s been through in his life…please.
Anyways, that’s my dumb selfish prayer for today. Hope nobody wasted their time on reading this.
Now on to studying for finals.
Don’t like this feeling.
Elementary Ed.? no thanks. but apparently yep that’s what i wanna do. No. Let’s just go ahead and admit to the world that no, that is not what i want to do. But if i don’t do this, i’ve wasted so much time and money taking these stupid classes for this stupid major.
everyone keeps saying that i’m good enough to be a music major, but none of them know exactly what it takes to be a music major. then again neither do I. i hate this night.